Divorce Doesn’t Define Me

While it may not have as much of a stigma as it once did, divorce is still a loaded word.

Shame, failure, and embarrassment are some of the words that come to mind when the word divorce is uttered.

You are divorced? (yes)

Why? (it’s not simple)

What happened? (no one thing happened, it happened over time, an accumulation of things)

Did he cheat on you?(no)

How long have you been divorced? (8 years)

And you are not in a relationship? (no)

Twenty years ago, even ten years ago, I never thought I would be divorced. It wasn’t in the plan. This is not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. No longer married, children out of the house, and living alone.

Plans change. People change.

I was married for 21 years. I am divorced for eight years. That is a long time — both to be married to one person and to be single.

It took me a long time to accept the end of my marriage. We tried to work through things. We went to counseling. We separated. Ultimately, we realized we just didn’t bring out the best in each other anymore. We didn’t make each other happy. It was mutual; we agreed it was time to end our marriage. We did go back and forth with the idea of staying together until the kids leave for college. Though that is a choice that many couples make, that was not the best path for us.

One of the things I had to overcome was what other people would think of me. What would my family think? What would people at work think? What would my friends think? Good Jewish girls don’t get divorced. It took me a long time to be okay with doing what was good for me. To hell with what other people think, it is my life. I have to do what is best for me and for my children. It was even more difficult for me since I always believed that if two people care about each other and are determined, any issue could be discussed and resolved. I had to move past that. Sometimes we need to take a step back and question our truisms.

My ex-husband is not a terrible or mean person. He is one of the kindest people I know. He will go out of his way to help any friend, or stranger for that matter. We grew apart. Different interests. We were young when we married. We had so many experiences together. We took a six-week honeymoon to the Algarve, Southern Spain, Gibraltar, Tangier, and Israel. We moved to Israel from New York twice. We moved to Miami. We both took different jobs at different points in time. We owned a store. He started a few businesses. We bought a house. We brought two wonderful children into the world, the greatest gift of all. I would not change any of that.

We discovered who we were as individuals. Individuals who evolved over time. And those changed individuals together did not make a complete whole.

Divorce is hard. Very hard. Hard on the couple. Hard on the children who are often collateral damage. But what kind of relationship models would we be for our children if we stayed together? Kids are intuitive and notice things. While being divorced is an adjustment and painful, you get through it. I spent many days and nights crying and reflecting. I was able to come to a place of acceptance. This was an unplanned detour in my life’s journey. Reassess, adjust, learn, grow, and move on. What lessons can I learn from this experience? How can I be a better person and true to myself? What can I learn from this experience that will help me with other relationships in my life and in future romantic relationships?

After the children left for college, I found myself an empty nester. A new normal. A lot of me time. It did get lonely at times. The upside is that I can do things that I want to do. I can eat chips and salsa for dinner. I can walk around my house in panties and a tank top. I can binge watch whatever show I want. I can get together with friends on a weeknight. I can travel where and when I want.

These last few years have shown me that I am stronger than I thought. I can get through things that I didn’t think I could. I am resilient. As are most people. I love hearing people’s stories of overcoming difficult experiences and am often amazed at what people are able to overcome. Sometimes we have to go through tough times and difficult experiences to grow and become better people. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. That is something we need to remember.

I am reminded of the lotus flower. The lotus is a beautiful flower and undergoes a process to become this way. The flower starts out in harsh conditions, under water, sitting in mud. Yet despite the dirt, it breaks through and surfaces above water. The dirt and mud are essential to its growth. And when it does grow, it blossoms into a beautiful flower, with no mud on its petals. As humans, the challenges, muck, and adversity we face help us become better, stronger, and more beautiful. I am more beautiful, courageous and open to possibilities because of difficult situations, including my divorce.