Losing My Father
I just completed sitting shiva for my father, Benjamin Ze’ev Mammon. Shiva is the customary Jewish mourning period for a close relative (parent, child, sibling, spouse) which begins after the funeral and lasts for approximately seven days. It is a time for the relatives of the deceased to be alone together and for friends, family, and the community stop by and offer condolences.
I feel blessed that I was able to spend a few days with my father visiting him in the hospital before he passed away.
Last week, we held a graveside funeral where both my brother and I spoke.
This is what I shared about my father:
A good word to describe my relationship with my father is ‘complicated.’
We didn’t always see things eye-to-eye. We had very different life experiences; we grew up in different countries, in very different times. He was raised in Israel (then Palestine) and experienced a lot of hardship.
His family is Bukharian/Israeli. Children do what their parents tell them to do, don’t talk back, life centers around the family, and the norm was for girls to marry at a young age and stay home to raise a family. As a first generation American, I didn’t want anything to do with old-world customs. I had no intention of getting married at 18. And I wanted to go to college. So, I did. I lived at home while going to school and worked in order to pay my tuition. I didn’t even think of going away to school or of moving out of the house and getting an apartment on my own. It just wasn’t something that one did. To me, that was the norm.
Whenever one of my siblings or I complained about something we didn’t have, my dad would share that he and his six siblings all slept in a small room and we should not complain. He was a young boy during the Israeli War of Independence, but never really spoke about what it was like at that time. My dad did share many stories about various family members that lived in the same neighborhood while growing up, the friends and cousins he used to hang out with as a child, and how families would use a communal oven to cook Shabbat food.
My dad felt strongly about giving his children a Jewish education. Even many years ago, when my brother, sister and I were in elementary school and high school, private Jewish day school was expensive. My dad worked hard and volunteered for the school in order to get a break in the cost of school tuition. He had a very strong work ethic and felt that if you work hard, you will succeed.
Family was very important to my dad. Most every Shabbat growing up, we would walk over to one of his sister’s homes or they would walk over to our house. We often spent vacations in Toronto visiting his parents or brothers. What a blessing to be part of a large family. He loved celebrating happy occasions with family and always remembered my cousins’ birthdays.
Whenever my friends met my dad, they would always comment that he was smiling and had a good sense of humor. That seems to be the consensus of everyone that knew him.
Many times, especially during my adolescent years, my father and I were in conflict. We would butt-heads. Both of us very stubborn. Both of us always right. Both of us wanting to get our way. But, he was the parent. I know a lot of what he did was his way of expressing his love for me. I would often remind myself about one of the basic Jewish commandments — the importance of honoring your mother and father.
Even though my dad had a tough exterior, he had a kind heart. He was there for my mom every step of the way, supporting her through her illnesses and always concerned about his grandchildren. He had a very special relationship with each of his grandchildren. His eyes would light up when any of them came to visit or when he would video chat with them.
It took me a very long time to realize that my dad did the best that he could with the tools and knowledge that he had. I learned to appreciate the sacrifices he made to make sure that my siblings and I received a good Jewish education.
The legacy that my dad gave me is Jewish continuity, community, and a strong work ethic. He instilled in me a pride in being Jewish and a love for Jewish tradition, the importance of a Jewish education, and the significance of family connection and knowing your family history.
May the memory of Benjamin Ze’ev, son of Samuel and Rachel be a blessing.